Ten Days In & Raging.
How has it already been a week and a half?
I feel time flying by.
Slipping away.
The ball of nerves in my belly.
And then I remember … {or do I hear these words? I’m not sure}
“Breathe, Robyn. You’re ok. Time is doing what it always does. It. Goes. On. You’re actually moving with it. Sitting still with it. The only one that’s anxious here, is you. Not time. Not this incredible hotel room that you booked for yourself. See that ocean out there? Ebbing & Flowing? It’s not worried about the fact that there are only 21 days left in August. 21 days left of your sabbatical. Just be here. Enjoy it. Or don’t. But whatever you do … BE HERE.”
As I was saying, it’s been 10 days & I want to reflect on those 10 days.
While they’re fresh-ish.
Yes, I have to look back at my calendar to see what I scheduled (and did or maybe didn’t do) and I have to pull out my journal (that I maybe wrote in or didn’t), to recall these last 10 days.
And that’s ok. I’m 45. I’m perimenopausal. And tbh, my memory usually only shows up for me when it thinks it would be hilarious to remind me of that one time I showed up to bowling practice (yes I was on the high school bowling team) with a black eye because my (now, best friend in the world) sister & I got into a fist fight, and my bowling team coach greeted me with, “Hey slugger!” I remember feeling so proud because that same sister of mine, was ALSO on the bowling team and she showed up that day with TWO black eyes, and he’d seen her first.
All that to say, my memory has a pretty annoying sense of humor when it comes to actually providing me with information that I’d like to easily & quickly retrieve.
My very best friend & littest, big sister … who also happened to be my first fist fight. 😆
As I flip through my Sabbatical journal & iCal… here’s what I can say about this first week.
Geezus! It was way busier than I’d hoped for. Planned for. Wanted.
Ok Journal entry #1 synopsys … starts out lovely.
Details of a slow but early morning (more on this later), sipping tea, pulling a card that says,
“Your heart is genius”
Which of course made me tear up a bit, sitting next to an open window hearing people running down the street, greeting passers by with sweet “hellos” & “good mornings.” Which I reminisce about how much I just LOVE living in Portland.
Then it quickly moves into my plans for the day to be a “GSD Day.” If you know me at all, you’ve likely heard me mention these days.
GSD. Get Shit Done.
These busy days have historically been equally full of anxiety as they have dopamine & adrenaline.
Outlining to-dos in my aesthetically pleasing “To Do” spiral notebook (that is sitting next to me now) and checking off the boxes as I go.
oooh , yes please!
But I remember this particular day feeling less “Yes please!” than usual.
I recall it feeling a bit disappointing.
I didn’t WANT all of these things to do on my first week of Sabbatical.
But they needed to be done, so I did them.
As the days went by, I realized I felt an interesting mix of the following …
Urgency anxiety: when tending to the admin to-dos of my business
Analysis Paralysis: when I have many things I want to do & can’t decide where to start
Extreme tiredness: when I sink into stillness at various times of the day
Pressure: a camping trip with new friends, followed by a family visit forced me to be ON
And the last one was the most shocking & most present for the first few days after the family visit.
My kale that was decimated by cabbage moths. {welp}
RAGE. I couldn’t stop raging!
About so many things.
The state of our country.
The fires destroying land & homes & lives, all around me here in Oregon & nearby in Washington.
The $2,000+ bill I received from my colonoscopy.
My hair, that is still (STILL!) in this awkward not-short-enough-to-style-how-I-want-to-yet-not-long-enough-to-just-pull-back, stage of growing it out again.
The lynchings of Black people, still. BLACK PEOPLE DON’T HANG THEMSELVES.
Learning that a witch I felt drawn to on IG is just another grifter who stole from another witch I’d never heard of.
Thinking my IBS was pretty much 90% cured/under control, only to have a major episode that left me in the fetal position & tears for a couple hours.
Learning that the kale we’d been growing has cabbage moths (gross!) and so we ripped it all out.
Reflecting on a heartbreaking friend break-up from earlier this year & rage crying.
As I was messaging with a friend, I apologized to her,
“Sorry that I’ve been Rage-y & grumpy in this message, I am just so mad lately.”
And her response was exactly what I needed to hear. She said,
“Robyn, first of all I love a grumpy message so if you ever need to complain, you can complain to me. Second, I think you’re detoxing life right now.”
And there was something in her words that just made my stomach settle.
And tears filled my eyes.
She nailed it.
I spend so much of my days, taking in other peoples’ hurt & struggles (both professionally & personally) that stepping away from that for even 1 week, allowed space for all of my own to bubble up and out to those outside of myself, my therapist & my partner.
And I appreciated that she got that.
She didn’t try and fix anything or stop me from complaining.
She just said that what I was feeling made sense. And in that moment, I was reminded of the power of being witnessed & having the one witnessing, reflect back what they saw.
And how healing that can be.
Here’s to allowing space for the rage … with hopes of seeing what else comes forth.
That’s all for now … stay tuned for more Sabbatical Musings, or not … we’ll see how I feel.
And in the meantime, I will leave you with this self reflection:
What would you rage about if you gave yourself the space?
What’s in your heart & mind that needs some space & permission to just RAGE about?
And who can you reach out to this week to share with.
If they tend to be a “fixer,” I suggest starting with:
“I need to just say all of these things. I don’t want you to offer help or fixes (quiet yet), what I need to from you is words of acknowledgement that what I’m feeling and thinking makes sense. Maybe offer me a hug. Or a ‘Yeah, fuck that.”
If you want to get on my calendar for when I return in September send me an email at Hello@RobynCullen.com
and I will lovingly move through those upon my return.
Or you can schedule a consultation call using the button below & we’ll chat in September.
