Post-Sabbatical… I’m Back.
I’m back.
I’ve been back, actually for a little over a month now and there’s a lot to get caught up on.
Let me recap …
On August 1st, I officially stepped away from work (seeing my therapy clients & running groups) to start a 1-month Sabbatical.
WHY?
To quiet things down a bit.
I didn’t feel “burnt out” like many folks do, before they go on sabbatical.
But I was overwhelmed.
And probably not by the things most people would consider overwhelming.
As someone who gets immense fulfillment & meaning from the work I do as a community builder & therapist, I am constantly getting ideas of NEW ways to create community.
The amount of ideas that come to me, in a single day, is absolutely overwhelming.
It’s exciting & inspiring to think about all the ways I can truly envision people being in community to combat the sense of loneliness & disconnection that I hear so many people talk about.
These are just SOME of the events I’ve created & hosted to bring people together …
Witchy Goodies Exchanges,
Online Witchy Therapist Summit,
PDX Helpers & Healers gatherings, Journal prompts to go deeper with Self & others,
Waning moon gatherings,
Full moon gatherings,
HSP Helpers & Healers gatherings,
Life After Divorce gathering,
Full moon gatherings … and so much more. See how the flow of ideas can be … A LOT?
It’s overwhelming when I start to think about all the time & energy that would go into actually curating & creating those living, breathing, functioning community gatherings.
But KNOWING I can’t possibly create all the things I think about doesn’t actually stop the ideas from flooding in.
My mind has been so loud … for quite some time.
As my spiritual business mentor reflected back to me (when I shared this), she said,
“Oh you’ve got an abundance problem!”
A what?!? I never thought of it that way.
I have an abundance of ideas and creative ways for people to feel connected not only to others, but to themselves (during a time when the patriarchal and productivity-driven timeline we’re existing in tells us that rest or relaxation is SELFISH & LAZY). But a firehose of anything aimed directly at you is overwhelming and not sustainable.
And so I took a much needed, intentional “I’m not working for an entire month so let’s see what else my brain does with all this free time,” BREAK.
Something my mentor told me (and our entire cohort who went through the 6-month program aptly named, “Sabbatical School,” …
Taking a sabbatical is not a vacation.
It’s confrontive.
You are accepting an invitation to look directly at the things that aren’t working, the things that you say you’d look at, do differently, bla bla bla,
“If you had time for them.”
And then comes lesson after lesson after lesson that shows up along the way.
And the lessons have and will continue to roll in like waves in the ocean.
The Lesson I want to share today is the reminder that when I truly step away from what distracts me and walk toward what I want, and stay focused once I get there … I feel like my truest self again.
The view from my balcony … yes I travel with the sweetest blanket my sister & mom crochet for me
I experienced that so viscerally at one very brief moment, during the second week of sabbatical.
I’d booked myself the coziest room, at a literary-themed hotel on the Oregon coast, to get away from distractions at home and write.
The thing I LOVE doing.
For no reason other than for the love of it.
Not to be a blog post. (touché)
Not to be a clever social media post
(I’ve since deactivated my professional IG account, again & it feels absolutely fucking glorious, btw)
But just to write what flows to me and through me. (Like I used to…)
I was at this amazing hotel.
By myself.
Staring at the ocean.
In this quaint coastal town in Oregon.
And while sitting in my absolute favorite coffee shop, for only 30 minutes before it closed, this entire piece made its way to me and through me.
I typed this into my phone’s notes app in 10 minutes.
AndI fucking love it.
I hope you do too.
“ Writing and reading at a coffee shop in Nye Beach
Sitting here in this coffee shop - whose name sounds like an MLM diet pill from the early 2000 (UltraLife) with Ah-ha’s “Take on me” on full volume, my ear buds are turned to “noise blocking.”
It’s not working.
Nothing is being blocked.
I’m trying to focus on my book.
It’s supposed to be really good.
It even says so … “New York Times bestseller.”
But I’m distracted.
By the two maybe-teen-aged humans sitting at the table next to me.
They’re silent.
I wonder if they’re siblings, just uninterested in each other while on a family vacation in this sleepy, lil coastal beach town.
But as I look at the young femme-presenting one, I notice them looking intently at the more masc presenting one.
Like (she’s) wanting him to engage.
Ask her things. Talk to her.
While trying to manage, “not looking too eager/interested.”
And I suddenly remember being that age.
How confusing it was.
Knowing I wanted to feel “chosen” by a boy, while also trying to “not appear desperate.”
Floating back into my here and now, I feel so angry for young me.
Maybe for this young one, too.
The misogynistic & patriarchal messages that I and my fellow socialized female humans received …
Play it cool.
Don’t come on too strong.
Be sweet.
Wait for him to … basically do anything first.
If he’s mean to you, don’t make a fuss - just giggle.
Ugh, what a disservice these messages did for humans socialized as male and female. Truly.
I look up from my book and she’s looking at me.
ME … A femme-presenting human, tattooed, wearing a gnc (gender non-conforming … I like this term, it feels good when I say/think it, like it’s some sort of sweet little FUCK YOU, with bright red lipstick on) outfit (baggy overalls, and oversized shacket), short messy, more-masc-than-femme haircut, lipstick and big bright green octagon-shaped eye glasses … and for a minute I wonder (dare I say hope) SHE is looking at me and thinking some version of …
“Whoa she looks …cool. Clearly they’re not giving any fucks. Wearing whatever she wants, drinking a caffeinated drink at 3:17pm (oooh, quite brave for a perimenopausal woman in her mid-40s, I might add), reading in a coffee shop on a Wednesday afternoon … who is she? What does she do that gives her such freedom? And authority over her time & body? What does she do? Whoever she is, I hope I’m that cool when I’m old like she is.”
And then I’m yanked back into the coffee shop, by Celine Dion singing…
“I finished crying in the instant that you left. And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made. It’s all coming back to me… when I touch you like this.
And I hold you like that. It’s so hard to believe. It’s all coming back to me.”
wtaf is this playlist?!
My eyes dart up to a framed quote on the wall…
“All you can take with you is that which you’ve given away.”
And my brain slows …
Slows way down.
Slows and starts to reverse the direction it’s moving.
Going backwards.
Thinking about all the ways I’ve given …
All the time I’ve given…
All the things I’ve given…
Cue the movie montage of ways I’ve shown up for friends, family, partners, clients, community members, neighbors, my garden, pets, other people’s pets, the crows, local artisans, absolute strangers and I’m back in the coffee shop …
Wondering if this too will be a moment when I possibly gave someone something.
A teenager.
A stranger in this sleepy little beach town.
Sitting across from a person she may or may not have a crush on.
Who may or may not have a crush on her.
But who, for whatever reason, can't talk to her.
And so they sit in awkward silence.
And she notices me.
And I notice her.
Give her a smile.
A smile that says,
“hey I see you. It won’t always be like this. Your voice matters more than you think. And one day, I hope you feel what I feel… zero fucks. Delight in the solitude. Awe in these moments. Giggles at song lyrics in a random coffee shop. And immense power in knowing who I am while being excited to continue getting to know the versions of me that will continue to emerge.”
Yeah, I hope I left that with her.
Because I can’t take it with me.
Nor would I want to.
I will leave you with this self reflection:
If you gave yourself uninterrupted time to do what you really love, what would you do?
What’s in your heart & mind that needs some space to be with?
And if a full sabbatical isn’t available to you, how can you make moments to do the things that truly light you up?
If you want to chat about working together (or return to working together) send me an email at Hello@RobynCullen.com
and I will reach out as soon as I am able.
Or you can schedule a consultation call using the button below & we’ll chat.
